the feeling is as though i am transitioning through lesson after lesson after lesson, without time to leisurely digest and process, review. like, i did the homework, so now, here’s your next assignment.
(wait – did I actually do the homework???)
like a crash course on How To Human 101.
or like, How To Ascend 101.
I feel I am belaboring this topic. This whole dialectic between Human Me and Spirit Me…
.
I have not been kind to myself these past few days.
I even used a coarse descriptor I don’t think I’ve ever used in my life, to describe, of all people, me!
I am sorry for that…
.
Maybe all this is TMI.
But sometimes, writing seems to bring me closer to sanity.
I feel many “writers” could relate?
.
.
It might have something to do with my attitude toward my lifestyle behaviors that may or may not have their roots in a lifelong situationship with learned helplessness. Conflict, inner, arises, because I don’t want(?) to be/feel/believe that I am/was a “victim” and/or truly helpless.
But it’s like, is this toxic positivity? Am I in denial? (let the self-psycho-analysis begin, woohoo)
For starters, I recently reviewed all of the places I have moved to/lived in since birth, and the final count came to something like 27 moves, across 4 different countries.
I am 35 years old.
Meaning, with the exception of a magical 8 years dotted throughout my history, where I did not move, if I do the math and round down(?)up(?)*, I have moved almost once a year, every single year of my life.
*Math stopped being a subject I was confident in a long time ago. Though one time, during Jr. High or Highschool, I took a summer school course on Trigonometry/Permutations/Probability something like that, and for the final exam extra credit question, the teacher gave me a compliment I will never forget (for many reasons, but one reason being that I took this class at the smartest high school in our neighborhood, home to many a math geniuses – not my actual high school). The compliment was: “This is the closest I’ve seen anyone come to solving this problem in ten years.”
Boy did that make me feel happy/proud. Not sure if it made me feel smart, though – there were many smart math people at school, and in my family – my brother right below me, he would enter national math olympiads and such and get placed, nationally!
I have digressed, but I think instinctively, not without reason.
I was always happy to be moving around, it never bothered me, or so I thought. But, I think what eventually ended up happening (to my body) was that I got so tired of moving around and having to adjust to all of these new places, environments, people, languages, that I stopped trying in certain ways, in life. I know it sounds like “an excuse.” I am sure there are other people out there with much more serious problems and incomparable/unimaginable childhoods, and I fully acknowledge that what I am feeling a need to write about here, can very well be classified as a first-world problem.
Spoiled brat that I’ve been this week…
Anyways, one of the points I wanted to make with all of this reminiscing and “sounding weak” is, that, recent as well as non-recent health issues I’ve had in my life, now, in retrospect, seem to point to a very plausible explanation/possibility that I am just f*king burnt out.
Adrenal fatigue, is it?
On an organ-level, I think I had been on the decline from very long ago, but oh Youth, in all its blind passion and ambition, carried me across the vast, blue sea of my twenties in a daze, in a rather rickety and turbulent fashion.
And here I am now.
Feeling maybe like I’m not a somebody anymore (wanted to avoid using the word “nobody” – words are thoughts are beliefs yay let’s keep that positive mindset going – feeling quite cynical today/past few days yeep), but also not sure if I give a funsicle about that anymore either. Being a somebody.
Again, it’s the whole old me vs. new me situation here. Do I care? Do I not? Yes. No. Yes. No….
It’s so human of me to consider this a relatively consistent and mildly agonizing theme to have repetitive inner dialogues about in my head, huh.
.
.
Despite the potentially seeming negative coloring of my above reflections, I would like to assure my readers that I am fine.
I think the lessons I’m learning especially this summer is to therefore prioritize my health. To recover my sense of safety so that I’m not continuing to live life feeling like I’m “on the run” – ah, just realized I have even more to say on this topic!!! But if I say it all here, this WordPress post will become a low-key memoir and I don’t want to get into all of that now…I think.
Anyway, regarding my health – I admit I do keep forgetting. I’ll feel like I’m regaining my health and then get on this super high of feeling like I’m on top of the world, over-exert myself, and not pay as meticulous attention to my diet, and then the dip down to some sort of a low starts back up.
Moderation, man. Moderation, Minjoo. Don’t forget. Keep things balanced. Let’s.
.
Feeling like ending this post as abruptly as it got a bit personal. Haha.
But I gotta say, I think I already feel better.
Writing can be so magical.
.
Have a great day.
THE COOKIE THAT WRIT 